The Internet, Censorship, and Your
Kids
by Ken Edelston
The Supreme Court just decided to stop
funding libraries that do not install filters to keep
porn off the library’s computers. Unfortunately, these
filters don’t work very efficiently. They often filter
out untargeted information and leave in the bad stuff.
Most all of this controversy stems from the natural
and normal parental desire to keep their kids safe
from porn. This article is about porn, the internet,
keeping kids safe, and the potential harmful consequences
of censorship.
First of all, parents have been trying
to keep porn out of sight and totally away from their
kids ever since Eve put on her fig leaf. I imagine
there must have been some parents who were successful,
but only because the kid didn’t really try. My rule
of thumb is, “If a kid really wants to do something,
I may be able to postpone that particular gratification,
but only in inverse relation to the kid’s desire.”
A simpler way of putting it is, “If your kid works
at it long and hard enough, he or she will get what
they want.” Now, just because hard work and dedication
to get something can pay off, it doesn’t mean that
I agree with or like the prize attained by such efforts.
All this is to say that if a kid wants to view porn
these days, nothing except confining him to his room
for life will stop him. (Girls just aren't all that
interested in these kinds of images, but sometimes
view them anyway.)
So here is the dilemma. I don’t want
my kid to be exposed to porn and I don’t want to parent
like a jailkeeper. I am a realist, so I know my kid
will ultimately do what he or she wants to do. This
is the same issue that parents confront around the
use of alcohol and other drugs, sex, and raunchy music,
not to mention high risk friends, etc. The truth is
that we cannot exert enough external control over
our children’s behavior to really control what they
do, and when we do try to exert this kind of control,
we drive our kids away from us, end the possibility
of dialog, and encourage them to lead secretive lives-
just the opposite of what we intended.
If you have read this far, you are
still interested in the topic, but may be saying to
yourself something to the effect, “I’m not about to
let my 3rd grader look at this stuff on the computer,
even if I have to look over his shoulder.” I basically
agree with you, maybe not about the looking over the
shoulder part, but I would not want my 8 year old
to have free access to smut. Nor would I allow them
to view PG-13 or R rated movies.
I would install some kind of filter
that would limit accessibility- just as the Supreme
Court has ruled that libraries must do. (Remember,
however, that the Supreme Court ruling affects all
computers in libraries, not just the ones that kids
use.) But… and this is a big but…, limits and filters
are not totally effective. The point is that I want
lines of communication open with my kids, no matter
what. If I act like the thought and morality police,
this will not happen. As a responsible parent, it
is my job to teach my values to my kids. I want my
kids to learn how to deal with the incredible amount
and diversity of information available to everyone.
Instead of putting energy into restricting access,
I am more interested in being able and willing to
talk with my child.
Here are two examples (both fictitious):
Even though we don’t allow unfiltered computer access
in our house, my son’s friend does. I have a sense
of who these folks are and that is good enough for
me. I choose not to question his friend’s parents
before allowing him to go over. So, my son is free
to be with this friend. One day, he comes to me and
asks me why our computer doesn’t work the way his
friend’s does. I ask him what he is talking about.
(knowing full well exactly what he is talking about.
I remember what it was like being 10) He tells me
that his friend’s computer has cool pictures on some
pages. I ask him to tell me what he has been looking
at. He replies with a bit of vagueness, but I get
the picture. I ask him if he has ever been grossed
out by stuff that he has seen on the computer. His
face scrunches up and he tells me that there was some
real gross stuff, that he and his friend looked at
it for about a split second before they went back
to better stuff… and then he looks at me and asks,
“Dad, what is that gross stuff that came out of that
man’s dick?” ( My son is 10. He doesn’t say penis)
So, we had a little talk about sex, but mind you,
a little one that was appropriate for a 10 year old
who has just discovered something about human sexuality.
I don’t delve deep into morality or sexual exploitation
of women issues, because he is not ready to understand
these abstractions. The point is that even though
I would prefer that my son ride bikes with his friend
and not view porn, my preference has not won out.
I have a choice. I can forbid my kid from playing
with this friend, or I can take this as an opportunity
to give my son a way to voice his thoughts and feelings
after he has had a disturbing experience. I like this
idea better.
(Note: In the next example, the child
I describe is not nearly as verbal. Boys are often
not as verbal as in the example above, and though
girls are often more verbal than boys, in this next
situation, I will portray a girl with a less verbal
and open response.)
The same situation exists as above.
My daughter visits a friend and comes home looking
a bit upset. I ask her what she is feeling, and she
just shrugs and says she doesn’t know. I give her
a hug and invite her to help me prepare dinner, which
she likes to do. We prepare dinner together without
talking much. I don’t think much of this interchange,
not even enough to mention it to my spouse. I may
never know about that long face, because it may never
come up again. I will not know in this example, that
my daughter had viewed some pornographic images on
the computer as a dare by her friend. I will not know
that these images were deeply disturbing to my daughter
even though she tried to brush it off. I will not
know that she is still seeing these images as she
enters our house. I may never know.
However, if I am a savvy parent, I will
have prepared as much as possible for events such
as this. At some point in the past, I will have talked
to my children about disturbing images. It might have
been when we were looking at pictures in a book, and
my child got upset with some image. In this conversation
I will talk about disturbing images and how they just
enter into your head and stay there like they are
etched in your brain. I will say that this happens
to everyone sometimes. Some people are scared of this
and some are scared of that, but for certain everyone
is scared of something. I will inform my child that
when she gets upset over something like this, it helps
to talk about it, because if you just keep it inside,
the image seems to take over and get bigger and bigger.
This will have set the stage for a conversation in
the future.
I am suggesting a balance of limiting
accessibility with openness to discuss difficult and
uncomfortable information. I realize that kids are
exposed to stuff that most of us could not have dreamed
about. It is everywhere, commercials, movies, magazines,
schools, and computers. I want to protect my child,
but I don’t want my protection efforts to ruin our
relationship. That is why the Supreme Court ruling
makes no sense. For the most part, censorship does
not work. It just stops the discussion.
About the Author:
Ken Edelston may be contacted at www.edelstoncoachinggroup.citymax.com.
Ken Edelston MS is a life and business coach. He has
extensive experience in counseling teens, adults,
and couples. For over 20 years, Ken has specialized
in treating the effects of addictions, parenting adolescent
issues, and conflict resolution. His coaching practice
focuses on helping individuals, families, business
persons, and couples identify ineffective patterns
of behavior and then exploring and implementing real
change.
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